The Mad Vortex

In the Future...

2010-01-16T19:58:00.003-07:00

Thanks For The Memories, We Moved.

2010-01-05T14:46:00.004-07:00

Dear All -

Well, Blogspot has been awesome and all for these 4-ish years, but we have officially moved!

Check out The Mad Vortex here from now on!

Soldier Boy

2010-01-04T19:59:00.002-07:00

"Then I'm going to give the old Gerry Kaiser the what-fer, and when I get back I'll be so strong, I'll be able to pull Nana's neck out of her collar bone again!"

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em.

2010-01-04T19:23:00.001-07:00

Mabel knew how to work the stoner crowd really well, having shown up at the party as a working human hookah.

Livin' 'Neath The Law.

2010-01-04T18:48:00.002-07:00

Jack McBrayer in Livin' 'Neath The Law: Episode 1 from Jack McBrayer

Again, because my love for Jack McBrayer is never-waning. (CALL ME, JACK! I'M SINGLE!)

BITE THE HEAD.

2010-01-04T18:40:00.004-07:00

The kids had a great time eating popcorn, playing Monopoly, and polishing off a wholesome afternoon by trying to find the satanic undertones of Kenny's collection of Black Sabbath records.

Questions To Ponder.

2010-01-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

Burial Site.

2010-01-04T18:27:00.002-07:00

"A-yup. This is where ah put 'em. Dead as could be. Funny, you'd think I'd be queasy at the sight of so much Poly-Fil."
"No one blames you, Ricky. When they came to town, the townfolk all said they'd be trouble."
"We all knew the Cabbage Patch bred liars and thieves."

Confessions.

2010-01-04T18:25:00.001-07:00

"I just went from six to midnight seeing you in this supple corduroy."

Bonne Année.

2010-01-01T12:31:00.004-07:00

Happy New Year from the Mad Vortex! Here's to awkward poses and roses!

Crappy Things You Can Send To People You Hate.

2010-01-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

Pondering.

2010-01-01T12:27:00.001-07:00

It's true that after a while, dogs and their owners start to become alike. For instance, Woofie and Mildred were both total bitches.

Shroom Baby.

2010-01-01T12:22:00.002-07:00

WTF is Phone Lady trying to tell me? thought Dougie, picking up the clock with a glassy-eyed stare. Is this a motherf***ing dream or what? I'm laying off the hard shit this year. Enfamil's gonna be the death of me.

Wink With Your Drink?

2010-01-01T12:18:00.003-07:00

Heather and Matt smiled at each other, their little secret safely inside that thermos. Matt swore that everclear and Hawaiian Punch was the only way he could get through Social Studies, and Heather was inclined to agree.

Naughty Insinuations.

2009-12-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

"Yes, the aroma does remind me of that..."

Peepshow.

2009-12-30T12:47:00.004-07:00

With a wink and a naughty grin, as her cheeks puffed out a wiffy cloud of Lucky Strike smoke, Lorelai gave Percival a glimpse of the twin peaks of the Promised Land. The debutante ball WOULD bring a successful match, after all! Father was right!

Class of 1925: Ervin Weigle.

2009-12-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

Did Wiggle ever gradually succeed as a milk dealer?

What Are Little Girls Made Of?

2009-12-30T12:42:00.005-07:00

"You look so charming, Melinda."
"Thank you, Mother."
"Everyone will love you at school."
"Thank you, Mother."
"I am so lucky to have a little girl like you."
"Thrnk mmmrrp sdffsfffhsfrrnyyyrrrrp....."
"Ohhh shit. This model must have been defective."

Cult Leadership.

2009-12-30T12:37:00.002-07:00

And as they mounted the summit, they smiled broadly. Yes, this would be the place. The perfect spot for a polygamous religious cult. They could envision the corrugated metal shacks, the charismatic mind control, the mandatory Bible lessons...God was good!

New Eye Tester.

2009-12-29T15:53:00.001-07:00

Oatmeal.

2009-12-29T15:44:00.002-07:00

"Selma? Selma? Come back...earth to Selma..."
"QUAAAKER OAAATS."

Bert Williams 1919 Riot.

2009-12-29T15:28:00.002-07:00

How far we have come...and I'm not just talking player piano rolls and Victrolas.

The Moral of the Story.

2009-12-29T15:15:00.002-07:00

"Now, look here. I told you smoking was bad for you for a good reason, and that's because I want you to stay the eff out of my Camels."

Things You Never Knew.

2009-12-29T15:07:00.001-07:00

Farting is pretty complicated, yeah.

Fireplace.

2009-12-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

Recipe: Blushing Biscuit Ring.

2009-12-28T14:16:00.001-07:00

There's lots of everything in that one and a half pound can. Can you think of a better showcase for canned stew than tomato juice and Bisquick?

Compete.

2009-12-28T14:13:00.005-07:00

"I'm just going to tell you this right now so you get it straight. In public, you refer to me as 'Angie,' not 'Mom.' We are going to be in constant competition for the affections of men until I kick the bucket, so you might as well get used to it. By the way, we're scheduled for a mother-daughter mani-pedi next Friday."

Behold!

2009-12-28T14:06:00.006-07:00

The horrific vision appeared in a cloud of smoke, standing on a square of sod. In one hoof, it clutched the Hoop of Lust. In the other, the Hoop of Shame. In a third, the Hoop of Need. The rotting intestines of nonbelievers draped over its arms. According to prophecy, one chose from the three hoops in order to find their destiny...be they in the circus maximus of heaven, or on the precipice of the ultimate hellmouth.

Maxi.

2009-12-28T14:03:00.001-07:00

"I never thought I'd find the day where I'd finally find the solution for hiding my hideously rippling cankles."

Will It Wear and Wear?

2009-12-28T13:57:00.002-07:00

Will it wear and wear?
Will it like your underwear?
Will it tear and tear?
Will it growl just like a bear?

Congratulations, Nickelback, For Being Band of the Decade.

2009-12-24T13:32:00.001-07:00

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Silent Nightmare.

2009-12-23T13:22:00.001-07:00

Jesus Use Me.

2009-12-22T13:43:00.002-07:00

...And unto us, a little child was born, and almost 2000 years later these formidably-tressed women wanted a serious piece of the action.

File These Under "DUH."

2009-12-22T13:31:00.001-07:00

Frosted.

2009-12-22T13:29:00.003-07:00

Myrtle admitted he was a little coldhearted and frozen at times, but if his nose was any proper indication of appendage size, she was in good shape.

Why Fear Childbirth?

2009-12-22T13:24:00.003-07:00

"Hello, Druggist. I hear that this skin lubricant is delightful to use."
"Generally most lubricants are. That might be how you found yourself in this predicament in the first place."
"Just make these stretchmarks and caked breasts go away!"
"I know. I know you want to be supple, pliant and elastic again."
"Can you start with my eyebrows, please?"

Pudding.

2009-12-22T13:20:00.003-07:00

Mrs. Hamilton grinned as she stabbed the blood pudding with a silver knife. It oozed, the crushed kidneys inside emitting a fetid smell. Christmas was here again. At last.

Tickletoes The Wonder Doll.

2009-12-22T13:18:00.000-07:00

Squeeze her legs and she cries. She, masochistically, will also squeeze her own legs.

Picture Frames.

2009-12-22T12:52:00.001-07:00

Yes, I treasure this photograph of this obnoxious child so much, that I'm going to frame it in pantyhose.

Snow Day.

2009-12-21T12:22:00.003-07:00

Little Michael stood by the door. It was that time of year again: where he and his sister Yolanda would frolic in the yard, sled down Old Man Fenster's hill, make angels...his mouth watered. At last, in a stolen moment, he would find what he had been waiting for. That frosty delicacy he loved so much, yet forbidden: yellow snow.

A Christmas Miracle.

2009-12-21T12:17:00.003-07:00

"Oh, Horace. It's lovely."
"I must put the finishing touches on it. It needs....another ball."
"Yes! Another ball!"
"...And then it shall be complete!"
"Yes. Our Christmas dreams will come true."
"I can't believe you fashioned this beauty purely out of earwax and navel lint. It's marvellous."
"I know."

Holly-Daze.

2009-12-21T12:12:00.003-07:00

"I'd love for you to come over and rustle up my stockings. Wanna ring my bell?"

Visit! Exotic Canada!

2009-12-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

Class of 1925: Hugh Van Aernam

2009-12-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

I hope Hugh's dreams all came true.

Father Christmas

2009-12-18T09:57:00.001-07:00

Thank you, Sweden.

Their Harvest Years Made Happy!

2009-12-18T09:50:00.004-07:00

Howard and Ruth were never happier than when they could shit in peace. It brought a spark back into their marriage, in fact...a spark that started going into S&M territory, for which we're all better off being in ignorance.

Warmth.

2009-12-18T09:48:00.001-07:00

Granny fondly called it the "smut blanket," for obvious reasons.

Sweaterdress

2009-12-18T09:46:00.002-07:00

"Why don't you come over here and I'll tell you allllll about the stockinette stitch, and how I'd like you to just RIP IT OFF ME..."

What Do You Use For Teeth?

2009-12-18T09:43:00.003-07:00

Answer: "The ones I peck out of your face, kid."

Stocks and Bonds.

2009-12-18T09:20:00.001-07:00

"This was a great idea, Dwight."
"I know. Totally gives us some street cred."

Who Killed Christmas?

2009-12-17T19:21:00.002-07:00

Who Killed Christmas is a new site started by some friends who like to make fun of Christmas crap. Go check out their site now and spread the holiday cheer!

Separated At Birth?

2009-12-17T16:30:00.002-07:00

Adrien "Pianist" Brody...and David "Stew the Meat Man" Pasquesi?

Recipe: Carousel Salad.

2009-12-17T15:26:00.003-07:00

1 can of fruit cocktail
2 pkgs of lemon gelatine
2 cups of boiling water
3 tablespoons cider vinegar
1 cup finely shredded cabbage of celery
1 cup finely shredded carrots

Drain and chill fruit cocktail. Save syrup. Dissolve gelatine in hot water. Add syrup and vinegar. Chill until syrupy. In a 9-inch ring mould, put 1/4 cup portions of the vegetables, alternating cabbage and carrots. Carefully pour in gelatin and chill for 4 hours. At serving time, unmould on lettuce. Spoon fruit cocktail around mould and in center. Serves 6.

An Embroidery Club From Hell.

2009-12-17T11:29:00.001-07:00

Now you, too, can make those creepy masks from "The Wall" by Pink Floyd.

Gallery of Vomitous Food Heaps.

2009-12-17T11:26:00.003-07:00

Forbidden Fruit.

2009-12-17T11:22:00.001-07:00

Theirs was a torrid, forbidden love...except in several southern states; and it was "okay" with their Great-Aunt Myrna.

Redundancy.

2009-12-17T11:12:00.001-07:00

Best Friends Foreverrrrrrr

2009-12-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Treasure Mammal dishes out the dirt.

The Vagina Monologue

2009-12-16T12:58:00.003-07:00

"It is angry, and like my sweater, somewhat chunky and warm and smelling of lanolin. But, like my shoes and leggings, it can be whimsical, high-fashion. Like my hat, it can be exotic, and it is named Svetlana."

Skating Away.

2009-12-16T12:51:00.004-07:00

"Hey guys, I'm here! WHAT? WHAAAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. DOCTOR SAYS THE THIRD CONCUSSION COULD BE FATAL. HEY WHO'S READY TO SKAAAAATE?"

Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

2009-12-16T12:49:00.003-07:00

The years of therapy and shock treatments were but a blink in the future. Right now, Kevin and Travis just wanted to revel. Boys will be boys, Mother always said.

Carded.

2009-12-16T12:14:00.002-07:00

"I say, this is a cracking game of whist. I could do with a spot of medicinal cordial. Donnie - is it I, or do you feel like you're being watched from above?"

Distinguish Between Fact And Opinion.

2009-12-15T08:35:00.004-07:00

All of these are opinions.

Are You A Stranger...To Yourself??

2009-12-15T08:32:00.003-07:00

Let a secret society help!

The Back-Up

2009-12-15T07:52:00.000-07:00

Many customers are buying them for EACH side of the bed.

Golf Ballin'.

2009-12-14T12:25:00.004-07:00

Paul clutched the club with delicate fingers, remembering Michael. Michael. The man who had taught him how to play. His tireless devotion to making sure he was firmly holding him from behind, grasping Paul's lithe waist, assuring his swing was strong and silent and MEANINGFUL. Their time wrestling in the sand pit. Their time alone under the windmill, searching for balls of one kind...and another.
Michael....Michael....whither the steamy nights of putt-putt?

Wonder Why?

2009-12-14T12:22:00.002-07:00

Dick Haymes died in Los Angeles from lung cancer at the age of 63.

Ship-Shape.

2009-12-14T12:12:00.003-07:00

"Who knew this would be so much fun?" snickered Ben, poking the pretend maritime carnage.
"I know. Playing Lusitania is my favorite game by far," replied Christopher.

Blind Date: Vaughan.

2009-12-14T12:07:00.004-07:00

Meet Vaughan. He likes the kind of dames who are spearmint cold on the outside, cinnamon hot on the inside. He knows what he wants and what he needs in a woman, and he wants VARIETY. HE WANTS IT SASSY. Vaughan majored in PR in college, and he knows where to lay on the charm most. He knows you like burgers. He knows you like them well-done. HE REMEMBERS. Like volumes of 17th century French poetry? Vaughan's got it covered and will read it to you in that velveeta-smooth voice he uses when he deejays the disco show at the local radio station. Come on, baby. Vaughan's here.

Bully For You!

2009-12-13T17:10:00.002-07:00

"Yeah, I beat up your kid. It felt great mashing in his face and watching his little milk teeth fly. What, you want to do something about it? TALK TO THE EFFIN' STICK!"

Want To Get Rid Of Spots?

2009-12-13T17:04:00.007-07:00

Looky! It changes you from a darker ink to a lighter one, as if by eraser!

They Walk Alike, They Talk Alike

2009-12-13T17:00:00.002-07:00

Float Dirt Away...

2009-12-10T16:22:00.001-07:00

...Even for the ones that are supposed to be red!

Vested Up.

2009-12-10T16:20:00.001-07:00

She was footloose and fancy-free, without a care in the world. She knew she was safe in her knitted bulletproof vest.

Matchy Matchy.

2009-12-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

"And then, when we get back to my place, we can wear matching teddies."

More Crafty Shirts.

2009-12-08T14:04:00.000-07:00

Because Tiffani wasn't enough.

Kelly Kapowski, We Hardly Knew Ye.

2009-12-08T13:56:00.005-07:00

Yes - it IS Saved By The Bell's Tiffani-Amber Thiessen ( with a Y in those days), modelling 1980s crafty t-shirts with bears and cacti. Thanks to Kristen for finding this blackmailing gem at a local thrift store. I particularly love the Lolita look...

Felix Coniunctio.

2009-12-03T10:35:00.004-07:00

"That's very nice, children. I'm so proud of you. Rusty, you have gotten SO GOOD on that triangle! This will be the best second grade production of Carmina Burana ever."

Space Oddity.

2009-12-03T10:30:00.003-07:00

"It's not so bad," thought Gloria. "I mean, I guess being trapped in the fifth dimension has its shortcomings, but I don't REALLY need to have a hand, or calves, or feet...not here, anyway. I think a girl could get used to this. Wonder if they're still stuck in that wormhole..."

Urgency.

2009-12-03T10:19:00.002-07:00

"I'm waiting for my answer, Julie," whispered Lloyd, urgently. "Have I made you weak in the knees, darling?"

Only partly. The rest of the weakness was coming from her lack of blood circulation from those bloody plus-fours.

Intelligent Design.

2009-12-03T10:13:00.002-07:00

Pastor Skip and his wife believe everything you need to know about life comes from the Bible. Shall we dip in on what they learn tonight?

"Here's where the blessed miracle of life starts, my children..."Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies."

Zoo Games.

2009-12-02T12:15:00.002-07:00

And quick as that, Kenny knew what he had to do...where to hide... to escape his tyrannical nanny forever.

Dinner Party.

2009-12-02T11:58:00.002-07:00

Colonel Jenkins was taken aback slightly when Harriet Wimplebeech had, in a feeble attempt to discreetly cleanse herself of her spilled consommé, flashed the entire dinner party. He cleared his throat and went back to enjoying his dinner of boiled beef.

Bag Lady.

2009-11-30T10:57:00.001-07:00

Pillow Squawk.

2009-11-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

Ever get the feeling that someone is watching you sleep?

Satan Is Real.

2009-11-30T10:51:00.005-07:00

He's real! He's really real! He's as real as you and me, Brother Louvin! Let's tell everyone how awesome it is in this fire pit, YEAAAAAAH!!!!

WASP-Wasted.

2009-11-30T10:46:00.003-07:00

"Well, you only need one kidney ANYWAY, and while I was at it, I thought - hey, what's a missing rib?"

Cloaked In History.

2009-11-30T10:44:00.001-07:00

She wore her scimitar-hurling heritage with a nonchalant pride.

Turkey-Lurkey Cake.

2009-11-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

Harvest Time.

2009-11-25T13:11:00.003-07:00

...And they feasted together in harmony: the Pilgrims, the Natives, the Scarecrow, the hippie witch, and the politically-incorrect jungle bunnies of Borneo.

Into The Closet.

2009-11-25T13:09:00.001-07:00

And thus, Annie's dark secret of transvestism unfurled.

Separated At Birth?

2009-11-25T13:05:00.002-07:00

Neil Diamond...and Carl Sagan?

I Will Always Love You...

2009-11-24T17:13:00.001-07:00

"Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am free again. Whenever I'm alone with you..."
"Go on."
"I'm having trouble thinking of something that rhymes with free."
"You smell rather nice."
"You make me feel like I am clean again?"

Blind Date: Madge.

2009-11-24T17:08:00.004-07:00

Meet Madge. She's single and ready to MINGLE. Right now she's putting together the ultimate boutonniere for the lucky beau to take her to tonight's cotillion. Hope you like roses, fella! Madge spends her time collecting buttons and sewing them onto sweaters. She enjoys a rousing mazurka on 78. She brushes her hair one hundred times a day, and has most of her teeth. Could you be the one?

Gallery of Hideous Living Rooms.

2009-11-24T16:55:00.002-07:00

When you really enjoy that feeling of claustrophobia...

The Logan's Run living room only works if you're under thirty years old.

The living room that Freud would never be able to decipher...

The sofa that hides the kind of stains with which you don't want to have contact.

The kind of living room someone mentally ill would create in an interior decorating class.

Dirty Thoughts.

2009-11-24T16:50:00.002-07:00

What secrets lay under Raymond's beard? The unspoken thoughts he had about Elinor in that whalebone corset, for one. A sly smile came across her face. Vixen. Jezebel. What she did to the rush of his blood was almost enough to kill a man, or at least stop his watch.

Surely You Jest.

2009-11-17T11:09:00.003-07:00

The last thing those old men want to see are pit stains, lady.

Flower Power.

2009-11-17T11:02:00.004-07:00

"And once Mr. Gilmore sees this burning pyre of dead flowers on his doorstep, he'll think a fat little girl did it."
"I'm not really sure about this plan, Jeremy..."
"Just shove this under your skirt and waddle, Rusty. Trust me, it'll be a whopper."

Puppetry.

2009-11-17T10:29:00.001-07:00

Kevin and Lucy charmed us all that Tiny Talent Night with their handmade puppet rendition of "Lysistrata."

Cry Me A River.

2009-11-17T10:24:00.003-07:00

No one ever doubted Yolanda's rivers of emotion.